Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Be Where You Are And Accept What Is

Recently, my daughter and I have been watching the latest season of America's Got Talent. It's been awhile since I watched it, in fact I think the last time was when were living in Texas, taking care of my mother before she passed away. Maybe that's why. Maybe it reminds me of her. 

At any rate, and for whatever reason, while I may not have been at peace with watching it before, now it seems fine. Is that weird? That something as simple as watching a television show would stir up feelings that you'd rather suppress? I'm not even sure, if I'm being honest, that until I began writing this post that I even made the connection. My mom loved AGT, and since I've been wrestling with my relationship with my mom, well . . . honestly, since birth, I think in recent years I've dealt with it by disassociating myself with anything that reminded me of her. But then, that's really a post for another day. Sorry for the cliffhanger. :)

Anyhoo! If you've been following, too, or even if you haven't, last week Simon Cowell hit the golden buzzer, for this girl, Jane Marczewski, who goes by the fanciful moniker “Nightbirde”. She sang an original song in her audition, "It's OK", which chronicled the last year of her life in dealing with cancer.  I'll be honest, while I thought her story was inspiring, I wasn't as wowed by the song. But it was something she said, standing on the stage following her performance as the judges were voting that really stuck with me;


"You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore, before you decide to be happy."

- JANE MARCZEWSKI


I don't know, they were words I needed to hear. It also reminded me of a passage from Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, that I read years ago and have always tried to keep forefront in my mind.

"Today I want you to become aware that you already possess all the inner wisdom, strength and creativity needed to make your dreams come true.  This is hard for most of us to realize because the source of this unlimited personal power is buried so deeply beneath the bills, the carpool, the deadlines, and the dirty laundry that we have difficult assessing it in our daily lives. When we can't access our inner resources, we come to the flawed conclusion that happiness and fulfillment only come from external events. That's because external events usually bring with them some sort of change. And so we've learned to rely on circumstances outside ourselves for forward or backward movement. But we don't have to do that anymore, we can learn to be the catalysts for our own change. 

You already possess all you need to be genuinely happy."

- SARAH BAN BREATHNACH

Recently I've been slipping, indulging in old thought patterns and preparing myself for a full on pity party, I guess you'd say. I've become a little self-absorbed and entertained the idea that because I don't have a, b or c that life isn't fulfilling, and because x, y and z have happened, life just isn't fair. I've fallen into the trap of looking at the lives of others around me, especially on social media, and thinking that for whatever reason I had been dealt a bad hand. Admittedly, it's been a hard couple of years, and for me, at least, 2021 has proven to be a bit more challenging than 2020. I'm an introvert, so social distancing and lock down weren't that hard for me. But when my health took a hit, and just as I was on the rebound, took another, it began to wear on me. 

Right now things seem manageable enough and fingers crossed the protocol for addressing my current problems will have me feeling better in no time, but beyond the physical implications, my chief complaint any time I am dealing with health issues is the financial impact. Mind you, we've never been faced with a medical bill we couldn't pay, but that doesn't mean that it hasn't made our budget squeak at times, or depleted our resources, and for me especially, well, there are just things I'd rather be doing with that money! :) I'm sure we've all been there. 

But it is for this reason that I began focusing upon all that I didn't have, and wanted, instead of choosing to be grateful for the abundance that is already mine. This month has been especially hard, with birthdays, property taxes on top of medical bills, and I kid you not, just a few days ago I had a full on pity party when a dvd of one of my favorite old movies got damaged and my "fun money" envelope was already empty. This is fresh and real and raw here, guys. And the silly thing is that if I were to take a picture of ALL the movies I own right now, some that haven't been opened for a couple of years now, well . . . that's just embarrassing. But I'm not going to try to polish this up,  that ate at me for a couple of days, and caused an unrest in me that I couldn't shake. My mind was swarming with thoughts such as, "If I just hadn't had to go to the doctor, just think of all the stuff I could be buying and the fun things I could be doing!" And then along comes this girl who's very life is in jeopardy, and she's choosing to be happy right in the middle of all the hard. Yeah, that put me in my place.

And then last night I came across a file I'd downloaded recently, and typical of me, had already forgotten about, or maybe . . . it's just been there waiting for me "at just the right time". It's from a website Philosophy of Leisure, which is due to fully launch some time this month, and I can't wait. But they have a resource library that is already available and in it is a publication, A Whole Year of Slow, and if you know me, you know that S-L-O-W is my love language! And wouldn't you know that when I opened it up, this was one of the first things I read;

"Be who you are, and accept what is"

- PHILOSOPHY OF LEISURE

"Stop chasing things which will only bolster self-esteem in the short term, or impress others, and, instead, learn to listen to what you truly want and need in your life to be unapologetically happy."

Unapologetically happy! I love the sound of that! And that part about only bolstering self-esteem in the short term? SO TRUE! I can't honestly believe that for a brief moment, uhm . . . maybe a couple of days, I placed all my happiness and self worth on the fact that because I had to take care of my health, I couldn't indulge myself and replace a DVD,  that I was unworthy and life was unfair, and yadda, yadda, yadda! When the truth is, buying that DVD would have solved NOTHING, at least not long term, because it's all about mindset. Its alarming to me, really, how quickly I got caught up in it and I'm already working on a plan to hopefully prevent me from falling into that trap going forward, specifically, GRATITUDE for my health, for all of the abundance that is already mine, and ACCEPTANCE of that tact that this is my life right now, and even though some days may be hard, it's my choice to be happy in the midst of it, DVD, or no DVD!

My hope is that there is someone out there today who needed to hear this. Maybe you've been focusing on your lack recently, as well, or are battling your own health problems. I hope you'll be encouraged by my honesty, and also because it's always been my desire to be transparent with my readers. If you're looking for a got-it-all-together girl to follow, well . . . move on to the next blog, because that is definitely not me!
And now if you've read this far then, bless your heart! I'm off now to dust off that stack of dvd's I own and find an old gem I haven't watched in years! 

Choosing to be happy!

- Kim

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