RELATIONSHIPS . . . are hard for me. As I'm sure they are for many people. At the core is a basic lack of trust, which I have carried with me since childhood. As I said in a previous post, I don't want to go into a lot of specific detail because ultimately what the enemy meant to destroy me is resulting in my spiritual growth, though it has taken most of my life to reach this point. But I do think I want to elaborate vaguely on the subject, just to help you, as the reader, to understand my starting place and why this is such a struggle for me. In the end, hurting people, hurt people, and I come from a long line of hurts, most that pre-date me for generations.
On one side of my family, the standard measure for coping was to just brush everything under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. It's actually still the standard, in fact. Though some things have come to light, the level of secrecy that exists in our family is substantial. There are some things that are known to only a few of us and honestly wouldn't benefit for others to know, I suppose. But on the other hand, there are members of my family who were deeply hurt, and to act as though it never happened feels wrong. They deserve to be heard, perhaps more than those from who the secrets are being kept need to be guarded. Of course so much depends, too, on how the information was handled. If the objective is just to spew bitterness, that's not productive for anyone, and forgiveness needs to take place, as well. I'm sure I don't even know everything, and I can tell you for sure that I never got all the answers to my questions and probably never will. But at some point, right or wrong, I just decided that I wasn't going to let what I didn't know about the past to rob me of happiness in the here and now. Since I can't control how others have chosen to handle matters, all I can do is decide to what extent I intend to allow it to affect my life. It's one of the reasons I moved away a little over twenty years ago, which at the time felt like running, and maybe on some level, it was. But the Lord has redeemed my story, and looking back I now realize, I was rescued. I know now that I would have never come to this place, where the light has broken in and healing has begun if I had stayed.
In sharp contrast, on the other side of my family, there were no secrets. I knew things about my grandfather from an early age that I should not have known, at least not as young as I was. If anyone had an opinion of you all you had to do was step into the bathroom for that to be made known to everyone. Sometimes you weren't even afforded that luxury. I had an aunt who would stay away for several years without coming to family gatherings, and then one year she'd show up only to stay away for several more. Eventually, she stopped coming altogether. I was old enough by then to begin to understand why. Nothing was kept from me, I knew why they disapproved, because they told me, along with anyone else who would listen. I understood her even better when I eventually became their target, and I stopped coming around, too.
Every family has problems, and I'm not trying to paint mine as worse than any other. I'm sure my story wouldn't even begin to compare, and naturally, there are many details I'm leaving out. But all this to say that when as a child trust is broken, when the very people you depend on for love and acceptance fail you, and when your boundaries are violated, trust. . . . is hard.
The walls went up at an early age for me. I learned quickly how to be who others wanted me to be in the moment in order to be accepted. In that process, somewhere along the way, I lost myself and it has taken a lifetime to find that girl again. So while I am at peace with myself and have come fully into knowing who I am at a very deep, authentic level, because it's taken me so long to recover, I guard myself and my heart fervently. To be honest, on some level I've probably never fully given myself completely to anyone, and that is the struggle. Because the greatest gift is to be fully known and fully loved. For many years, since I didn't know myself, no one else truly knew me, either. They only knew who I was with them, and I became so good at it that I doubt anyone knew the better. Of course, there was a core element of my personality that remained the same, the girl I was when I was alone in my room. But on a superficial level, because that was the depth of most of my relationships, about things that didn't really matter, I varied to suit the person and the situation.
The Lord's redemption continues in my life to this day. While I am admittedly still working on allowing myself to be fully known and fully loved, it is happening, albeit, ever so slowly. All this self-preservation, of course, has also meant that by not allowing myself to be fully known and loved, I likewise have not fully known or loved anyone else. That all began to change when I gave birth to my youngest daughter. God used her to finally teach me about unconditional love and giving yourself fully to another person. I had her later in life when I was in a better place emotionally and spiritually. I know it sounds awful because it is. I love all of my children, and I ache for what I wasn't able to give them, but they sadly came at a time when I was afraid to love anyone. I didn't know how to love. It wasn't for a lack of want, but because I was completely imprisoned by fear. Broken relationships are a part of the history in my father's family, and the sins of the fathers have come full circle into my own life and the lives of my children. Thankfully much of that ended with me after my youngest daughter was born, but sadly, too late for my other children.
Well, wow, that's probably as raw and honest as I've ever been in this space, but somehow it feels right. I hurt, naturally, for all that has been lost because I was so afraid to love and be loved. But to live in regret doesn't change anything. The only things I have control over and can change are in the here and now and going forward, and therein is my rule;
NURTURING MY RELATIONSHIPS DAILY
- I nurture my relationship with God and with myself first, and daily. Because without Him and the ability to come before His throne and lay my fears down daily (usually several times a day, I will just continue to live captive by them.
- I pray for all of my children, especially those from whom I am estranged, daily. I failed them, plain and simple. But I know that God loves them more than I ever could have then or do now, and I trust them to Him. I cannot make up for the past, and I do not know what the future holds, so I trust the one who redeems and holds eternity and our future in His hands.
- I touch base with my husband and my children, daily. My oldest daughter lives in Texas and most days it's just a text, and admittedly there are days when we both get busy and miss a day, but we're fairly consistent. I know some of you may be thinking, "Well, duh". First I should explain that my husband is away right now and will be for another 10-12 weeks, and while I currently live with my youngest daughter, she leads a very busy life, so yes, I have to be intentional. I will admit, however, that I have grown so content in being alone that I do often have to remind myself to "reach out and touch someone" as the old commercial jingle used to say.
NURTURING MY RELATIONSHIPS WEEKLY
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